New year resolutions...

Currently Grand Theft Auto San Andreas By Rockstar Games see related

Like a lot of thin, metal wires. Holding things up at best, and getting in the way most of the time as more and more are added.

So I realized something. Or realized the lack of something. Moreso, I realized the lack of realization. I hadn't realized that I am going on vacation. That I had any time off in fact. No change in my attitude, no contemplation about what I'll be doing or want to do. Just the dulled down voice of ... mentioning things to do that seemed like a good idea. Sometimes in it all I'd say something, but not really think about it. "Louvre is a good idea" "Wine museum sounds great."

This struck me as odd as usually I really can't wait for vactions. So what were my thoughts going to? Nothing in the future except one or two thoughts about saving money. Not much in the past, that was unusual. It was all about the now, but not in the cool way. In the social way. 90% of my thoughts were going to wondering if someone was mad at me, if I could avoid another person being mad, and if they weren't mad did they like me. It was more than that though. While resting the thoughts of; should I bow, kiss or hug; should I say this or that, eat how many slicing, were not coming to me. However I spend most of my time with people, and instead of idle wondering I was consumed with thoughts of what to do, how to act right down to the very thoughts of how many helpings should i take to be interested but not ungrateful? 3 or 4 and how many times should I let someone offer me something I don't want till I'm supposed to take it anyways. I lost my feel for everything and seemed to be filling up its space with actual words and rules in my head on how to behave. This, however, is nothing new. Its been growing for a long time. I've seen it and ignored it, repeatadly.

I haven't been able to smoke herb in years without have severe anxiety. This was one of the first signs. I knew everytime I did, I grew fearful and aware that I couldn't maintain my own rules. That to be required too much effort. Then of course if I was stoned the thoughts would end and only repeate themselves till I sweated and wrote poetry of being unable to manage myself. This was probably the first sign. There were others, like people whom know me, telling me to relax(people who don't i guess assume i'm relaxed). The most recent one is my excessive and constant bowing. Everytime I feel awkward I choose between a wink or a bow. It would be painful to think of it if I didn't finnaly decide to stop all this. Its plain retarded.

Christmas today. Its been great. For one of the first times in a long time I felt relaxed. Didn't care who or what people thought of me. Got a blender. Gave ... her presents and got a walet and everything...

Christmas Eve, Wigilia

Working on Christmas Eve. Three kids, on young, one older and one crying. A chinese girl, a polish girl whom is too strong and big at 4, and a polish boy who tries to get everyone to go to the bathroom with him. There was no point for me to be there, or for the preschool to be open for three kids. I can't even taste christmas there since we already had our christmas event. Most decorations our down and the vibes from recent arguments have me aggravated. Children are great, usually though.

The day started with two kids and loud rock music and sort of free lance dancing. Our little chinese girl moved her tiny feet, tapping them like light rain taps on the street. She was wearing a big grin as she hopped around yelling "Yeehaaw!" over and over again.  Most kids refuse to go into the class in the begining. Its from the stress of going from their parents to the preschool. Most parents give their kids a little kiss or a little push into the classroom. Some out of guilt for leaving their kids, or whatever bizaar reasons give them a hug, a push, another hug, more pushing, and hugging to create an image of running back and forth in between tears and fits of spasms and screams. Something like this happened in the hallway today. We actually believed the mother had taken the girl home, until we discovered her on the stairs in the hall. Approaching her brought fits of crying and screaming. Leaving her alone, the same. After an hour of this I finnaly decided she needed to cry and scream in a place where gravity wouldn't hurt so much if she fell, she needed to be in the classroom. Twenty minutes of me inched closer to her, trying to get her in the right position to be picked up. I knew her, and if I'd have quickly grabbed her in a normal way she'd have been able to propell off my chest or arm and smash her head against the wall. So twenty minutes of her screaming for her mother, screaming no. She flinched everytime I got closer like a dog severely beaten and in a panick. Finnally when I put her in a pin to pick her up the screaming turned loud enough to be heard from outside. She screamed, "Nie! Nie Kocham Cie!!! Nie!!! Mamusia!!!", as she struggled to kick and scream. The words creeped me out but I still carried her to the playroom.  The words were, screamed at the top of her lungs,  "No! I don't love you! No! Mommy!!!"She rested on a small pillow till I gave her a pencil and a pen. She drew one picture and her mother showed back up to pick her up. What on earth was the point of all that?

I still haven't figured out in my head that I'm on vacation... thats its christmas... i think i can kind of feel that i'll be walking along the seine river, hopefully in the snow. I'll feel like Earnest Hemingway, without all the accomplishments, skills in writing, money or fame. Ok so i'll probably just feel like an American in france, in the winter. I guess its not the greatest feeling but I'll make the best of it.

So i remember when I refused to post for a month. Was it a year ago or two? An experiment to force me to write more privately. Or er, fictionally actually. This will be the second day of a time where I'm going to try to write as much as possible.

Work is going well. I'm learning to be coy with arguments and having a lot of fun turning coy into flirtation. I remember someone once told me, flirtation is the spice of life. I like spices.

Tom Gai Ka is delicious. Coconut milk, ginger, lemongrass, and thai chilli peppers and chicken. Very spicy. Very good. I made it and some chow mein the other night for a coworker and her husband the other night.

So I want to write. More than whats here but, its like, no go.

I realize though, I haven't been writing in my xanga for some time. Each post is getting farther and farther from the ones before. People just don't use xanga anymore. Even the strange group of junkies and others I follow have stopped posting at their regular intervals. So we all trickle to a stop? I think I'll just write here anyways, maybe try to be more consistant than actually interesting. Consistent writing probably has to predate interesting writing.

So work has been crazy. Its winter, we have sung our songs for our winter concert. Its -3 celcius now and for the last five days I'd say its been steady -10 to -15. The white snow makes it worth it so long as it doesn't turn to sludge.

Its the winter solcstice today. In a few days it'll be christmas and ... and I will be in Paris. I really am not thinking about it. I'm thinking about... well I can't say. Day by day things and thoughts seem to be what I'm thinking about.

I moved in with .... The new flat is pretty nice. I can see the street and its cars. Yell at people from my balcony now adorned with chaotic christmas lights. Or add more candles to my Menorah and go the nearby bazaar to quench my rapidly expanding obsession of candelabra's. Ever since i looked up the word I've been going everywhere to find deals on the items I used to mistankingly call chandaliers.

I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. Or am I? Its hard to tell, but I got tickets to the sonisphere festival in June so I guess it means I can get things. Concert looks to be pretty badass, Metallica, Antrax, Megadeath, Slayer... I really only knot the first and the last but I've been listening to a few songs of the two middle ones. Seems nice, in that tobasco kind of way.